*~*You Say, by kali~*~

"You say that you love me. Well, I'm afraid I don't believe you. When we go to work, you ignore me, always looking at HIM. What? Did you think I didn't notice? Surely you jest. You sit across from me! But, as they say, back to the point: It's over, Vin, it's over. I, of course, mean between you and Chris. He has moved on. You should too. I thought that you had, but I have had a blindingly clear insight to this one-sided relationship. I am merely a convenience. Some one to warm your bed and satisfy your hunger, if you will. A casual fuck, pardon my crude language. I HEARD you that night. You said his name. My name sounds nothing like his, so I made no mistake. I did not misunderstand. I should have realized sooner; I mean, now that I think back, it is very obvious. Every time I wanted to do "couple things", like dinner, a movie, or even a walk in the park, you would always have excuses. Now I understand. Why do couple things when there is no couple?

If it were only me you were hurting, maybe I would not be doing this, because even after all this, I still love you. Silly, right? But, it is not just me. You are also hurting Buck. Oh, he wouldn't say anything. He would go on like nothing is wrong. You don't understand true love. Buck and Chris have it. I thought I did, but, as we all know, I know nothing about love. When you go back to work, watch them. You can feel it from across the room. It is so strong, yet so fragile, and you are not helping it like a true friend would. You are trying to destroy it. I'm not making judgments about how good of a friend you are. I know you would give your life for any one of them, but you need to think about what they need. What they want. Buck and Chris want AND need each other. I know you and Chris used to be lovers and maybe there still is a spark, but he moved on. It's over. Move on.

Well, I guess I have jabbered on long enough and I will bring this to a close. While you were listening to this C.D., I had my letters of resignation hand delivered to Judge Travis, Chris, and the Director of the ATF, with promise of a bonus for speed. They have already received the letters and have probably already read them. I, myself, am boarding my flight at this moment. I'll always love you, even though you don't love me.

I know this is the cowards way out, but I know I couldn't have done it face to face without losing it, or not following through. Maybe we will meet again some day. I love you. Ezra P. Standish."

Vin turned off the C.D. player and sank down on the couch. "Oh, Ez, I'm so sorry," he whispered. He never knew it was that bad. He stood suddenly and grabbed his keys. "I will find you," he swore, as he walked out the door.

************************************************************************

Ezra looked around one last time before heading towards the gate. 'What did you think you were going to see, Standish? You think he was going to come after you? You're not that stupid.' He sighed and handed his ticket to the flight attendant.

"Have a nice flight, sir," the girl said with a smile.

He gave her a wan smile in return, before entering the tunnel. Ezra quickly located his seat and sat down. After buckling his seat belt, he leaned his head on the window and shut his eyes.

One thought echoed through his head.

'He didn't come. Oh, god, he didn't come....'

************************************************************************

Vin pulled up to the curb and leapt out of the jeep, completely ignoring the 'No Parking' sign and the shouting guard. After a quick glance around the lobby, he ascertained that his lover wasn't there.

"Sir, you have to remove your vehicle immediately!"

'Shit, the guard followed me,' he thought. Instead of taking the time to retrieve his badge, Vin took the easy way out. He punched him. Then, he turned and ran to the ticket counter.

"Ezra Standish. What flight is he on?" he demanded.

"Sir, we aren't allowed to give out that type of information. You have to have clearance." The girl was intrigued, but protocol was protocol.

"Look, lady, I'm an ATF agent and so is Ezra. He is in grave danger, and I have to warn him." Vin dragged out his badge and slammed it on the counter. " Please, I have to find him," he pleaded. "Please," he looked at her name tag," Please, Mandey..."

Mandey took pity on him and started typing on her computer. "O.K., he bought a one-way ticket to Venice, with a stop over in New York"

"What gate?" he asked.

"Gate 12, but it's too late," she stated sadly.

"What do you mean?"

"That flight departed 20 minutes ago. You missed it."

Vin just stared at her. He was so close. "Are you sure it wasn't delayed?" he pleaded, already knowing the answer.

"Yes, it says right here that it took off, right on schedule. I'm very sorry. I hope your friend is okay."

Vin turned and walked out. He had been too late. He should have reacted quicker. How was he supposed to find Ezra now? He knew his lover well enough to know that not only will he switch flights in New York, but also switch identities. When he got back to the jeep, he got in and banged his head on the wheel. Suddenly, he had an idea. He put the key in the ignition and tore out of the parking lot, heading back down town.

************************************************************************

~'Hey, Ez, you mind if I break our date tonight, hunh? Chris needs help with somethin'.'

'Hey, Ez, I don't feel like going out tonight. You mind?'

'Ez, Chris wants some help at the ranch. Sorry, but I can't have dinner with ya.'

'Ez, don't stay up waitin' for me. I'll be late gettin' back from Chris'. I think I'll just go home instead.'

'Hey, Ez...'

'Ez,...'

'I can't...'

'I won't...'~

'What was I? Stupid? I should have seen it! For God's sake, I'm a professional! I could read people while still in Mother's womb!' Ezra slumped back in his seat. He'd been having these thoughts and flashbacks since he left Denver. The stop over in New York, where he changed planes hadn't even helped. 'Stupid, stupid, stupid...'

"Sir? Excuse me, Sir? Are you alright?"

Ezra jerked, he hadn't noticed the flight attendants approach.

"Sir?"

"I assure you, my dear, that I am perfectly sound and able." Ezra smile at the girl and nodded his thanks. As soon as she turned away, he let the smile fade and closed his eyes. He was going to need his rest. The Lord only knew what Mother was going to say when he showed up at her newest home, but he knew it would be long, drawn out, and wordy.

He also knew the words 'I told you so' would be used frequently.

"Good, Lord...," he muttered, before dozing off.

************************************************************************

Vin came back to the office with his fifteenth cup of coffee since arriving at the ATF building 3 hours earlier.

"Junior, you might want to slow down on the coffee 'fore your insides get all gummed up," said Buck as he ran a hand over his face. He should have known Ezra would do something like this. He had seen him getting increasingly depressed, but he had been absorbed in his shakey, new relationship with Chris. With that, he glanced over at the blond, who just happened to be glancing his way.

Vin watched the exchange with a hooded expression. Ezra was right. Chris and Buck did have it. But Ezra was wrong when he said that Vin and he didn't. And when he found his wayward lover, he was going to prove it to him. All night long.

"JD, how's it goin'?" he asked for what must have been the eight thousandth time.

"As I told you five minutes ago, these things take time! Ezra has hundreds of identities and what must be thousands of credit cards! And I can only go through the ones I know about. He may have used cash, or even someone else's card," the kid explained, exasperated.

"Brother, he is doing the best he can." Josiah patted him on the shoulder reassuringly.

"Yeah, Cowboy. We'll find him," Chris stated.

"I know," Vin replied. To himself, he added, "we have to..."

************************************************************************

"Ezra, darling! Whatever are you doing here?" Maude descended the steps of her London mansion, towards the cab her son was exiting. Inwardly, she fumed. She knew he wouldn't have come unannounced if something hadn't happened. 'Those miscreants he calls friends must have hurt him. No one hurts Maude Standish's baby boy!' The closer she got, the angrier she became.

Her son was immaculately dressed, as usual, but his clothes were hanging off his already thin frame. There were dark circles around his dull, sunken eyes. His cheeks were hollowed out. His hair looked as though he had been yanking on it.

All in all, her boy looked like Death Himself.

"Mother, I do hope I am not intruding." Ezra stepped forward to kiss his mother's cheek, and was surprised to be pulled into a huge hug. Maude surprised him further by linking arms with him and leading him inside.

"My dear boy, you are never intruding. Now, I am going to have Miss Anderson fix you something to eat, and you WILL eat, then, straight to bed with you! No buts!"

"Yes, Mother..."

Maude led him into a large dining room, and forced him into one of the chairs. Then, she left for the kitchen. About five minutes later, she returned with a large egg salad sandwich on a plate, and a bottle of Thorland Spring Water. (the shit among bottled water, IMHO) She sat them down in front of him, and stood there until he started eating, before sitting across from him. She sat quietly until he finished eating, and then she spoke.

"Now, I'm going to show you to your room, then, when you wake, we are going to talk about why you are here." Maude stood and pulled him to his feet, then headed up the stairs. When they reached the top, she turned right and stopped at the second door on the left.

"This is your room. I want you to SLEEP! Not lay there, pretending. Get as much rest as you can."

She led him into a large room with a huge four poster bed. There was a large fireplace on one wall and an enormous bookcase on another. A door led to a big bathroom with a bath, shower, and a jacuzzi. Ezra sat down on the forest green bedspread and pulled off his Italian loafers. After not being able to sleep for two weeks, he was suddenly exhausted.

Maude kissed his cheek and left. Ezra finished getting undressed, and got under the covers. He discovered that the sheets were made of the softest silk. 'Vin would love these...' The thought came unbidden to his tortured mind.

"Oh, Vin," he whispered, as the tears started to fall.

Outside the room, Maude clenched her jaw in fury as she listened to her son weep. 'Some one will pay for this,' she vowed silent

************************************************************************

Ezra woke up after a very restless nights sleep, and looked around the unfamiliar room. With a flash, he remembered where he was. He also remembered waking up several times in the night, calling out for Vin. His mother was there each time to soothe him.

Ezra struggled to sit up, pushing at the covers wrapped around him. Once he defeated his foe, he stood up and headed to the bathroom for a hot shower and a shave. Thirty-five minutes later, he walked out in nothing but a towel. The steam from the bathroom immediately made beads of water run down his well-defined chest. (all together now: *drool*) He quickly dried off and got dressed.

Before he left the room, he checked his appearance in the mirror one last time. 'Perfect,' he thought. He left the room, and headed down the stairs. He paused briefly at the bottom, trying to decide which way to go. Finally, he headed left, where a delicious smell was emanating. As he entered the dining room, he was surprised to see Maude already there.

"Ezra, dear, do sit down. Dinner is about to be served," she said with a warm smile that caused Ezra to blink.

During dinner, they talked politely about this and that, all the while avoiding the reason for his visit. After the dishes were cleared up, Maude led Ezra to the parlor and closed the doors. She sat down on the couch and patted the space beside her. Only after he was seated, did she speak.

"Now, as I said last night, you are going to tell me why you are here, " she stated firmly, but gently.

Ezra sat silently for a few moments, and then the story poured out of him. He told her that he had fallen in love with one of his team mates, Vin, and how he had thought that the man would never want him. He told of finally admitting his feelings, and the joy he had felt when they were reciprocated. He then told her of the end. By this point, he was weeping and she was hugging him, and murmuring soothingly to him.

"Why can't any one love me?!" he wailed in despair.

"Oh, Ezra, *I* love you! And don't you ever doubt that!" she exclaimed, fiercely. Silently, she planned her trip to Denver, and her visit to the man who was now at the top of her list.

************************************************************************

As Vin approached his apartment, he knew something was wrong. He slid his key into the lock and pulled his Sig from his holster. Slowly, he opened the door and peered into the darkness. He then felt for the light switch and flicked it on.

What he saw shocked him.

There were about five medium sized boxes piled in his living room. While they were surprising, the real shock came from seeing who was sitting in the chair next to the boxes.

Maude Standish stood up and turned toward Vin. Though her face was devoid of all emotion, her eyes fairly glowed with a complete rage that was at once icy cold and burning hot.

"Wh-what are you doin' here, Miz Standish?" He almost choked on his words when her eyes narrowed and became even angrier.

"Mr. Tanner, I have a list of everything my son has given you or left here during the course of your relationship. I am here to make sure it gets returned to its rightful owner, namely, Ezra." She continued to look at him for several seconds as he processed her words.

"You can't take that stuff! He gave it ta me!" His blue eyes started to heat up in anger, but the fire was quickly quenched by the ice in Maude's gaze.

"You are mistaken, Mr. Tanner. I can, and I will be taking those things. Would you care to know why I have that right?"

All Vin could do was nod.

"Very well. I can take these things because my son showed up on my doorstep two days ago, looking like death warmed over. I made him eat something, and then put him to bed.

During the few hours he slept, I comforted him when he periodically called out for you, Mr. Tanner.

I also held him the next afternoon, when, while telling me why he was visiting, he started weeping.

Do you know what it is like to hold the person you love more than anything else in the world while they weep, and their broken heart is in so much pain that you can't help but feel it? I hope you don't, for it is the worst feeling in the world.

At first, I was going to punish all of you, but, as the story poured out, I realized they had nothing to do with this. *You* were the one who hurt him. *You* were the one who took my precious boys' fragile, scarred heart, took it and shattered it without thought or care.

As of 5 p.m. this evening, a restraining order went into affect. You are not allowed any contact at all with my boy. The others may visit him, and should they mention you or bring anything from you to him, the order carries on to them. It will remain in affect until such a time that Ezra can deal with you. Is that understood?"

Vin just nodded as he realized just how badly he ruined things. Just how badly he hurt Ezra. After that, the only sounds were from objects entering the boxes. And, of course, the sound of one man's heart breaking.

The end of the first story!

Heehee, I am so evil! I decided to make this a series. The next story takes place about anywhere between 3 to 6 months after this. I have no ideas for a title, so any ideas would be helpful, and as always, FEEDBACK! I've been gone so long, I need a fix.